THE VIEW FROM HEIMBU

OCTOBER 2005

October started with a £30 fixed fine. Hull City Council in its wisdom has decided to only allow buses into the city centre, but the traffic signs are so confusing that the coppers caught 2,000 people, including 2 of their own, on the first day of enforcing the new rules. But at least I got into town even if I had to pay for the privilege.

Aki is still fighting her local council regarding planning permission for her farmhouse. It is getting her down a bit, but it seems to affect her bank managers even more. The first one copped it with a massive heart attack just after seeing her, and now the new manager had a mental breakdown while she was trying to explain the situation to him on the phone.

The politically correct brigade never seems to rest. The latest piece of lunacy comes from Dudley Council in the Midlands . They have banned Winnie the Pooh and Piglet from schools because - all together now - "they are offensive to Muslims". The same reason was given recently when several banks banned the use of piggy banks by children.

And then Wakefield prison has had to ban the flag of England "because it is racist" according to the Chief Inspector of Prisons. Oh, well. Will they next try to get rid of the Queen because "she symbolizes a racist country".

It is now official what a lot of us have suspected for years; there are no ladies in Hull . Nor are there any elderly or refugees. According to the Council it is only acceptable to adress the fairer sex as women, old geezers like me are older people, and anyone not originally from these shores are minority ethnic people. As the top school in the city has just been put on special measures by the Government as failing one would think that the City Council would have more important things to occupy their collective minds, but then I'm not a politician.

I see that the Permanent Secretary for the Department of Education and Skills is complaining that the new intake of Civil Servants he has to employ, can barely read and write and have no numeracy skills. Fancy that. The chickens are indeed coming home to roost.

And the Mad Hatter would surely approve of Bath and North-East Somerset Council. They are looking for a part-time "Dormouse Officer" at a salary of more than £10,000.- a year. The successful candidate is expected to "support communities, groups and individuals to identify and celebrate dormouse heritage, encourage dormouse-related activities and promote the intellectual access to and enjoyment of dormice".

Somehow I have a feeling that the fact that the Romans introduced dormice into Britain because they were regarded as a delicacy, will not figure high on the agenda. 

"He who goes unarmed in paradise had better be sure that is where he is."

James Thurber

In 1981 Yorkshireman Peter Sutcliffe, a.k.a. the Yorkshire Ripper, was committed to Broadmoor Hospital for killing 13 women following instruction from God. Both Osama bin Laden and George Bush seem to have the same direct connection with the chap upstairs, only they seem to be much more efficient in doing God's work, as the death toll has now gone past half a million people. 

One sometimes forgets how trivial our life has become. Not watching television and not reading the tabloids one might believe that there is some semblance of normality still left in the world, but for most people it seems that the over-riding purpose of their excistance is found in Reality (surely a misnomer) TV shows and the love life of celebrities. Where did it all go wrong?

In the 1920s there started in Denmark a sort of mutual banking system that was known as JAK banks. The banks did not pay or receive interest, only administration charges. Instead you got saving points, not just for the amount of money in your account, but also for the time it was there. Saving points were measured in pound-months (if in the UK ). Normally you could only borrow up to the number of pound-months in your account, but if you continued to save while paying back the loan, you could borrow up to 8 times that. The pond-months you saved, would have to match the pound-months you paid back; you therefore built up a nest-egg that could not be withdrawn until the loan was paid off.

These banks were enormously popular with people, but predictably ordinary banks fought the idea tooth and nail, and in most countries they were legislated against.

When the People's Party first came to power the catch phrase was "Education, education, education." Somehow it hasn't worked out, but the Next Big Idea seems to be that good schools will have to take in  a percentage of children from the sink estates, and at the same time have to send an equal percentage of their students to failing schools. Disadvantaged children will have their transportation cost met by the tax payers, though middle class families just have to lump it.

At the same time there is a renewed assault on private schools as they are now being "encouraged" to enter the public sector as direct grant schools bypassing local authorities.

One of the main advantages privately educated children have, is that they are being taught in smaller classes than has been possible in state education. However, due to a falling number of children being born, classes are rapidly shrinking, giving  state schools a golden opportunity to follow suit. So what is the Government's reaction? Schools are being merged all over the country because of "surplus places".

Statistics are strange things. I see that according to Government's figures crime has dropped. Police detection rate is down. Prisons are full, so prisoners will now have to be released after serving half their sentence. Am I the only one who doesn't get it? 

If crime is down and the coppers arrest fewer criminals, what is the crises in the prison system all about? Are they anticipating that the cells will be needed for people who are not criminals. Pensioners who can't pay the Council tax, perhaps, or people who have had the gall to question the Dear Leader and his politics?

Our local police force has been branded the worst in the country in the latest league table. This of course has nothing to do with the fact that the force has seen its funding per capita of the population it serves cut to the lowest level of any force in the country, after refusing to bow to Government pressure after the Soham murder case.

It now looks that all the Yorkshire forces will be merged into one giant force under a Chief Constable appointed by the Home Office. This will make fighting terrorism more effective according to our masters in Whitehall .

At the end of October I am still walking around in shirtsleeves and sandals and picking strawberries in the garden. The grass is growing like in spring (and the lawnmower has given up the ghost after 14 years.)

I recently picked up a cheque for £500.- from the Humberside Police Authority to spend on the Stav Summer Fair. Apart from the fact that the Fair took place nearly 3 months ago, it was welcome nonetheless. There is always another year.

Prince Charles has again shown that he has no understanding of modern life's realities. On a BBC interview he wondered out aloud that perhaps it might not be such a good idea to stop food production on British farms now that it can be sourced cheaper from abroad. What if for some reason we would not be able to import all our food; would we be able to live on asphalt and concrete?

In cool Britain this way of thinking is not welcome.

The local chicken farmers are all up in arms. After the Government declared that there is absolutely no risk of getting bird flu from eating poultry, sales of chickens and eggs has dropped like a rock. Go figure.

The Young War Criminal in No. 10 is preparing to add Iran to the countries that needs sorting out. Is there anyone left in the armed forces to fight his wars?

Kiyoko bought in lots of chocolate for the Hallowe'en trick-or-treaters, but then no-one came. My observation that they were probably afraid that she would answer the door-bell, did not go down too well. Cheers.