THE VIEW FROM HEIMBU
AUGUST 2004
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
George W. Bush in a speech at a military base.
Yes, George, we have all long suspected that this might be the case; maybe you could get your pal Tony to 'fess up, too.
We have already started to prepare for next year's Stav Fair. We got a nice write-up in the local paper, and the town council has expressed an interest in getting involved. The coppers are aboard regarding security, and will (the criminal fraternity allowing) demonstrate the working of the police dogs and possibly a drop-in by the police helicopter. We are going for a 2-day event, 30th and 31st of July, so pencil those dates into your diary, hopefully this will grow into a major annual event.
The little booklet about what to do in an emercency has gone out to all households in the UK. Rumour has it that the reason that the Government was so keen for us all to have it in our hands before the Parliement Summer recess, has nothing to do with fear of terrorist strikes John Prescott will be running the country while the Dear Leader is away on his annual freebie holidays .
From now on everything is an arrestable offence that will get you hauled off to the police station with your DNA forcibly taken, your body cavities probed or X-rayed with your only hope of seeing your family again is being able to prove that you're a member in good standing of the People's Party. Well, actually it is not quite that bad yet, but the potential is definately there. The latest Governmental brainstorm could see you arrested for spitting or dropping litter on the sidewalk, and if you have any notion about having the right to protest in front of the Houses of Parliement, forget about that, or you will be in deep trouble, indeed.
One of my old Army mates have just sent me an E-mail that is doing the rounds within the ranks at the moment offering explanation to the terminology used by the Ministry of Defence regarding the coming modernisation of the Armed Forces.
"Modernisation" is MOD-speak for "cuts", flexible means "smaller and unable to opreate unless under US protection, "agile" is just "really, really small", Britan's ability to to project its military power in the world, the so-called "reach" means "the distance the Americans are willing to fly us".
The E-mail goes on to explain that "Many Staff Officers seem not to understand how reducing the numbers of aircraft, ships, tanks, artillery and soldiers results in a more flexible, robust and effective fighting force. Agressive use of terminology can effectively compensate for lack of actual forces. For example, in the past effective detererrence of a reasonably capable Maritime threat would require the despatch of a task force, consisting of destroyers, frigates, submarines and possibly even a carrier.In the future this task will still be achieved by a task force: but task force will be the new description for a minesweeper. Current levels of operations are an aberration, will never be repeated, and should form no guide to current manning requirements, let alone future ones."
The E-mail is signed I. A. M. Promoted
SO2 SPIN
Ministry of Truth
Orwell Bldg.
MoD 1984
Yorkshire's three regiments, the Duke of Wellington, the Green Howards and the Prince of Wales, are to be merged into one; the suggested name for the new force is "the Prince of Wales' Green Wellies."
Many parents have been worried about the so-called tripple vaccine given to all children as some doctors believe it is too much of a shock to the system for infants. So last week the Department of Health announced that it had approved the introduction of a new five-in-one jab to protect children agains diphteria, tetanus, whooping cough, HiB and polio. The new jab is of course much safer than the old one, which of course was also safe, but not as safe as the new one. Got that?
When it was pointed out that the chair of the Joint Committee on Vacination and Immunisation which tested the safety of the new vaccine actually has all his work founded by the supplier of said vaccine, the ministry declared that there was no conflict of interest as he had declared this in accordance with the committee's code of practice. So that's all right then; nothing to worry about; Government guide-lines have been followed.
A chap who wanted to place an ad in his local Jobcentre asking for "hard-working warehouse packers" was turned down because this would discriminate against those who were not hard-working.
Ever tried to get the coppers to come out to investigate a burglary, or because the local yobs are chucking stones through your windows? We all know what will happen; if you're lucky you'll get a crime number which will enable you to claim on your insurance, but they will tell you that they have to prioritise their resources into cases where there is a realistic chance of making an arrest.
A local grand-mother found this out to her cost recently. A fleet of 15 police cars, each with 2 coppers inside swooped down on her, as she was ordered to pull over. She was fingerprinted and fined £30.-. Her crime? The screw attaching her number plate to her car was of the wrong colour. You just couldn't make this up.
One has to admire the presence of mind of the kayaker that got into trouble on a Cornish river recently, only to be pulled to safety by John Prescott, the Deputy Prime Minister. He was quick-witted enough to answer in the afirmative to the question "You vote Labour, don't you?" even if he later admitted that he had never done so. One can never be sure about Big John; he would have been quite capable of chucking the poor bugger back into the river if he had found out that he was a Tory. Your standard politically correct New Labour politician he ain't.
"The real work of men was hunting meat. The invention of agriculture was a giant step in the wrong direction, leading to serfdom, cities, and empire. From a race of hunters, artists, warriors, and tamers of horses, we degraded ourselves to what we are now: clerks, functionaries, laborers, entertainers, processors of information."
Edward Abbey
What has happened to the gentle Summer rain that the poets used to wax so lyrical about? While Beverley hasn't been hit as badly as the Cornish village of Boscastle, we did get our fair share last week. Luckily for us Heimbu is situated a couple of meters above the surrounding estate, so we were OK, but all the neighbours had water coming in the doors and out of the downstairs toilets. A big mopping-up operations is currently taking place.
The peacocks are in for the chop. For more than 20 years a local farmer has been keeping peacocks running free on his property without any problems. But unfortunately a new estate has been built bordering his land, and the townies that moved in there have complained to the Council that they wake them up in the morning with their mating calls. So the Council in its wisdom has issued an order for the farmer to control the noice or face a fine and a possible jail sentence. Now the birds have lived wild for generations; how do you catch them? It has been suggested in the local paper that the Council instead should issue the order to God as the assumed owner of all wild creatures.
First pistols were confiscated, then rifles and shotguns tightly regulated in order to combat crime. Fox-hunting was banned on the ground of cruelty. Everyone had to carry ID cards, but of course only the ones with something to hide would mind. Then certain civil rights were temporarily curtailed because of the growing terrorist threat. The police were given powers to arrest and incarnate suspects without bringing them to court. Holding camps for the enemies of the state were built, and everyone was told to keep an eye on neighbours, friends and family in order to root out subversives.
This was Germany under Hitler in 1935; all indications are that it will also be the UK under Blair in 2005, in fact the only difference so far is that they haven't yet managed to ban fox hunting, and the ID cards are probably still 2 years down the line.
Yobs have been making a nuicance of themselves at Beverley bus station during the Summer hols. The coppers were not keen to get involved, and the Council could not find the money for private guardsmen. In the end they found an ideal solution; they invested £30.- in some old Pavarotti records which have been played non-stop 24/7. over the station's loudspeaker. The place is now regarded as being so un-cool that no-one under 30 years of age would even want to be found dead there.
The Summer's gone, and Kiyoko and I am off to Japan until October. Cheers.